Save money on health products and suck on a tree instead

 |  by  |  Health, Sage
Reading Time: 2 minutes

fish oil tablets

Health-related advertising by sports stars, all with an unquenchable thirst for more money and an unquenchable lack of knowledge about the products, is at a peak.

This is what washed-up cricketers, swimmers and footballers advertise on TV, radio and in newspapers:

Krill everything

  • Super krill oil, red krill oil, osteo krill oil, wild krill oil, deep sea krill oil, eco-krill oil (not for ‘ecology’ but for ‘economics’  as krill are harvested and sold to gullible people).

Anything with oil

  • Fish oil, wild fish oil  — they’re shitty because they got caught — calamari oil, red calamari oil, calamari ‘brain-sharp’ oil (I need some).

In fact, whatever you do, don’t secrete oil if you’re a life-form or you’ll end up on a pharmacy shelf.

Vitamins for humans, grumps and Martians

  • Vitamins for kids, teens, men, women, Martians and grumpy old curmudgeons. They claim to improve vision (not television — but enough to see through all this rubbish), taste (but not in these ads), smell (you can smell the ads coming), touch (you get touched every time you fork out), hearing and telepathy.
  • Tablets for mood swings (up or down), relaxation and sleep, executive stress, executive sleep and executives getting fired (because of over-stress and under-sleep).

Advertising of kids’ vitamins at rock bottom

These ads also bang on about Vita-Gummies (Calcium and Vitamin D for osteoporosis — go out into the sun, it’s cheaper), Vita-Gummies with vitamins and veggies (it must be an enormous tablet to fit the cauliflour and pumpkin in), Vita-Gummies Immune Booster (hopefully, immunity against these ridiculous ads) and Vita-Gummies Something For Fussy Eaters (they don’t like Big Macs or KFC).

Other useless health-product exotica 

  • Gingko biloba which helps you to focus and remember how much money you waste on all this junk.
  • Melatonin, a naturally occurring “sleep” hormone, which for some reason is banned in Australia — maybe because too much sleep may force people to act rationally.
  • Co-enzyme Q10 at really inflated prices. This is a naturally occurring substance that is knocked out because of the doctors pushing statins onto everyone.

Fat blasters

And then they blather on about Fat Blasters.

  • Fat Blaster diuretics (flush it down the toilet where all this stuff belongs).
  • Fat Magnets (I’m unsure if this is to reduce weight or gain weight but it doesn’t matter because they don’t work).
  • Fat Blaster Coconut Detox (ever seem a fat coconut?)
  • Fat Blaster chewing gum to reduce hunger pangs and to stop “snacking”. (It belts you over the head if you go near the fridge after midnight.)

Suck on a tree

You can also pay a fortune for chlorophyll mixture and tablets, but why not suck a tree?

Complaints

The Therapeutic Goods Administration has had many complaints about false advertising directed against some of the larger pharmacies, but as is the case with the Environmental Protection Agency, the Broadcasting Control Board and other toothless tigers, no action is ever taken.

Economics is the winner here — everyone must spend no matter what the personal and environmental cost.

Meanwhile, all these worthless substances gush into our degraded oceans and poison whatever’s left in them.

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About the author

Robert Gosstray is a retired pharmacist and the resident health writer for Midlifexpress. He is the author of The Pharmacist's Secrets: Drugs, lies and money.



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