Ten signs your face is collapsing
Midlife is a circus where we must juggle the demands of children, careers, mortgages, ageing parents, and hormones.
This circus also features a midlife sideshow that is less popular with the crowd and starts with your face.
Why is that?
It’s because those cracks, gouges and bags that herald the visible signs of wear and tear are gathering, tsunami-like — and with increasing momentum — until your face collapses.
Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do about it. The debris may hold together for a while with the aid of plastic surgery, Botox and face exercises. But, like the Leaning Tower of Pisa, that sucker is eventually going down.
Here are ten signs the demolition face derby has started.
Wrinkles: Those etches on your face that people once fondly referred to as laughter lines have turned into wrinkles. These are creases that refuse to leave despite pulling, stretching, makeup and mirror avoidance. Eventually, the lines become deeper and crisscross your face until they resemble irrigation channels. Unfortunately, they won’t produce a bountiful harvest.
Frown lines: The muscles required for frowning have left permanent furrows between your eyebrows. These muscles can now be left to atrophy as you will never need them again.
Bags: Instead of the dark rings under your eyes being due to late nights, they’re now due to sagging skin. No amount of sleep will change that.
Neck lines: Plunging necklines take on a whole new meaning when your skin starts the downward spiral.
White hair: People have always tinted their eyebrows but save yourself the money. Wait and they will turn white anyway.
Chins: Two is better than one they say.
Moustache: Leave that hair on your face. It’s called a moustache and men have been unsuccessfully trying to eradicate it for years.
Cheekbones: You’ve seen a Bassett Hound haven’t you? If not, you’ll see one each time you look in the mirror.
Eyes: Eye patches look great on pirates – not so good when it’s the skin sagging over your eyes. You could buy a parrot but it’s more practical to wear sunglasses. And sunglasses won’t crap on your shoulder.
Brown spots: These are not freckles or moles. They are also not the start of a tan. They herald a creeping discoloration of your skin.
So how are you going to manage your new look?
Take comfort in your face now. It will be much worse in a decade.
And like the Leaning Tower of Pisa, when your face eventually falls it will be spectacular.
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About the author
Sue Bell is an entertainment writer and author of Backpacked: A mostly true story, Beat Street and When Dreamworks came to Stanley.